Broken and Beautiful

Adoption turned my world right side up and upside down again. I am a different person because of adoption. I am a better person because of adoption. There's no way I could predict the journey it would take me on.  

2001: Broken then Beautiful

In 2001, I developed a massive blood clot in my lungs after using birth control for two weeks.  Clots that are ¼ inch kill people.  My clot was four inches. I wasn’t expected to survive. Doctors had no explanation for my survival but we knew. It was God. 

God used my first illness to bring Brian to Him.  God became real to Brian that week as he watched me in the fight of my life. Brian's story is beautiful, and I have no doubt that one day he will share it here but that same night that Brian gave his heart to Jesus, he asked me to be his wife. That was 22 years ago. 

2005: Beautiful then Broken 

We had been told we would likely never be able to have a baby but my body healed so well I was given the green light.  In May, we were ecstatic when we found out we were expecting! Because of my risk of clotting I had to give myself blood thinner injections twice a day.  It was a small price to pay.  However, despite using blood thinners I developed a blood clot in my brain, which caused strokes, and my legs were also 100% clotted off. The doctors gave me three days for IV blood thinners to restore some blood flow to my legs. Tissue cannot survive without blood flow, so I faced the risk of amputation. Thankfully after three days there was a trickle of blood flow. It wasn’t a lot but it was enough to allow me to keep my legs! However, the clots were so massive they shattered my blood vessels. I have struggled with pain, swelling, and skin changes since then. Leg pumps, compression stockings, and medications have become a part of my life and three years after my clots, I became disabled.  I could no longer work a full-time job.  My legs could not handle it.  But I am thankful I can still walk!

 During my hospital stay, we also received the devastating news that we had lost our baby. I wept as I looked at the monitor at the doctor's office and didn't see the tiny flutter of my baby's heart that I had seen the week before. I wept when I was told that because of a clotting disorder that triples my risk of clotting with hormones, I could never get pregnant again. I was angry and I was broken. But I had no idea how much God had already been orchestrating every part of the pain and the journey into a beautiful story.  

2010: Beautiful and Broken

We became foster parents four years later and welcomed a beautiful nine-week-old baby girl into our home. We loved her and watched her hit all her milestones and many of her firsts. We poured ourselves into her and were devastated when she was returned to her father nearly a year and a half later. I wish I could say that in that moment, I was happy for her family, but right then, I was not. All I could see was my pain. But she was also reunited with her sisters and her mother, and even through that, God was working. Had it not been for the heartache of her departure, we would never have been ready and available for one of the best things that ever happened to us-the birth of our oldest son Mason.

2012: Beauty from Brokenness

I still remember the first time I saw him. Before we walked into the NICU, I had only seen a picture of his tiny feet.  But then I saw him, right in front of me.  He took my breath away. He was so beautiful.

 We stayed with him another week in the NICU before we brought him home. I held my breath until the day that we finally adopted him ten months later. He was ours.  

Over the next six years, life slowed down, and we enjoyed every minute of being parents. The heartache and the loss up until we had become Mason’s parents had been worth it. Our brokenness made room for God to show us his beauty.  Mason completed our family so beautifully.  

2018: Beautiful

We were ready to open our hearts and home again. We waited and waited for a call. One day during family devotions, Brian asked Mason if he wanted to pray, and little, tiny six-year-old Mason said no because He didn't think God heard Him.  Brian asked him what he wanted to pray for, and Mason prayed for what he wanted- the little brother or sister he had been waiting for. Less than an hour after that prayer, God made it clear that He heard him.  My phone rang, and I heard the voice of the case worker: “We have a four-day old baby that needs a home.”  We were stunned.  God heard Mason’s prayer and said “Yes!”  Just a few hours later, a tiny bundle arrived at our house to a makeshift baby room we had pieced together as quickly as we could. It was Greyson, sweet Greyson. He was so small, but he had the longest fingers.   We were over the moon, and Mason was such a doting big brother.  

2019: Beautiful and Broken

Thirteen months later, Greyson was reunited with his biological mother. Again, my heart broke. But his mom had done everything right. She worked hard at earning back the right to have him. But it was still so hard to let go. We hoped we would still be able to see him and be a part of his life, but again, his departure left a gaping hole in my heart. 

We could never have imagined what would occur five days later. Greyson had some blood tests since he had been sick a few weeks before. He had been doing better so we expected everything to be okay. But it wasn't. It was far from it.  I remember it so clearly.  I remember when I heard the word I NEVER expected to hear: CANCER. It was like a blow to my stomach. I felt sick.  I was confused and bewildered.   The next day we had a confirmed diagnosis: Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. That tiny giggly boy was so very sick. As he began the hardest journey I've ever watched anyone be on, his family support team decided that the best place for Greyson to be during this time was with us. Brian had already disassembled Greyson's crib because it was too hard for me to look at after he had left, so he began putting his room back together.  We were so thankful to be bringing Greyson back home, but we would now be bringing home a child with cancer.  How could this be?  And what was God thinking?

Weeks of treatment turned into months. A few months later, we sat with his biological mother as she willingly signed over her rights to us and allowed us to adopt him. It was a tender but beautiful scene.  Four months after his diagnosis, Greyson officially became ours.  We celebrated becoming his forever parents, but we grieved his prognosis. Soon after his adoption we received the exciting news that Greyson was finally in remission.  We had so much hope!

2020: Broken

 We continued the fight as he endured chemo, steroids, bone marrow biopsies, spinal taps, hospital stays, long clinic days and all the effects it took on him.  Not long after, the world faced a crisis it hadn’t seen in a long time: the pandemic.  Our home went on strict lockdown to protect Greyson since the chemo had wiped out his immune system. Cancer is hard anyway, but cancer in a pandemic is a thousand times harder.  We continued his treatments where he had to stay in his room since the playroom was closed and he could not be around any of the other kids because of the risk of contracting Covid. Then in December, we got even worse news—his cancer had returned.  Relapse. Relapsed cancer during a pandemic is indescribably hard. It felt like a nightmare we couldn’t wake up from. Despite all the chemo and all the treatments he endured over the next four months, there was no slowing down his cancer. Greyson took his last breath in my arms on April 21, 2021, six weeks before his third birthday.

2023: Broken and Beautiful

It has been two years since we lost him.  I know Greyson is alive in heaven, free from cancer but I miss him so much.  I am still picking up the pieces. His death has changed me. It always feels like something is missing, but I've realized that is the price you pay for love. His death changed me, but so did his life. The way he laughed and smiled and loved changed me. He laughed from his belly. It was so contagious. And he loved fiercely-whether it was cheese or fire trucks or us.   He loved his daddy, but he was a mama's boy through and through.

Oh, and how much he loved his brother Mason. Goodness, Mason was everything to him. During the pandemic, I was often upset that we had to be isolated, but I have since realized what a blessing it was. You read that right. The pandemic was a blessing. The sickness itself was not a blessing, but God used it to bring us a blessing. Because of the forced isolation, our family spent the last year of Greyson's life TOGETHER. We were on strict lockdown. We'd go on "sanity drives" in the car to get out of the house. We'd take long walks exploring our neighborhood. We would do more together as a family than we ever would have during a "normal" year. And I am so thankful for it.

None of the time or the memories would have been possible had it not been for adoption. Adoption made our family. There are many times I have felt that my heart will never fully heal and that I will never be the same. It’s true-I will never be the same.  But it was all worth it. The risk was worth it. The pain was worth it. I have experienced so much love and joy despite the pain. It broke me but I would do it all over again for the gift of being mama to my beautiful boys.